Given my constant oversharing over the past years, those who’ve been following might wonder about the events leading up to this point. So, here I am, ready to (re)(re)introduce myself.

I never knew how to handle stress and anxiety. My trajectory seemed predestined to shape me with independence, diligence, and achievement. A Type A student, I succeeded in managing an architectural firm in Madagascar, helped by a supportive family, a strong network of friends, and exceptionally dedicated collaborators.

I always struggled with stress and anxiety. I tricked myself in believing work was just a cumulation of surmountable challenges. I was so wrong. I thought honestly that there were no obstacles I couldn’t deal without strategic planning and clear solutions. I got a reputation as an efficient consultant, capable of driving performance while facilitating essential knowledge and experience transfer to the team within tight project timelines.

I was under the assumption that rigorous work ethic and integrity would protect us from the worst. Even in these times of financial strains, when clients defaulted on payments, I automatically postpone personal expenditures (I didn’t have a health assurance even though I paid a good deal for my collaborators’), I always resort to contingency plans, went with plan B or C, while anticipating better days.

I found myself at stage W even X of my alphabetical list of plans. I ignored health warnings and persisted through adversity as I had been conditioned. I overlooked symptoms like stomach pain, diminished motivation, memory loss, and took over a tendency to avoid even non-confrontational interactions. I knew I was cleared from cancer because of regular tests so why bother?

In 45 days, I lost 15 kg, a transformation not instantantly visible to the outside world. I used to be seen as excessively fat. For me it represented a form of armor, absorbing life’s blows. I didn’t mind the judgmental stares. Yet the little voice inside my head reminded me that “good” was not “healthy” and some day something “wrong” will cause “unhealthy”. so it happened overnight.

The experience of illness was demoralizing, especially concealing my vulnerabilities from my children and colleagues while receiving treatment for a short while. My husband’s silent panic but at the same time loosing it for the tiniest little things was unsettling. All this remained our private battle, always with our children’s protection in mind. Another bump to overcome and recover from while staying together.

Social engagements are still not my thing. I’d rather spend quality time with my family above all, avoid business gatherings ( very different from #yabufe which involve emulation is some kind ). I am systematically opting out of most high-profile gatherings and exclusive parties. As a long-standing member of our golf club, I am now less often mistook for my children’s nanny. I don’t know if I am comfortable with that.

As of today, my battle with stress and anxiety persists. I have yet to see the end of this very deep pit I fell into or paradoxically the peak of this mountain I am climbing. a pit or a peak ? it depends on the day, the season, the vintana. I maintain stability, keeping distant yet supportive of others. I learned from nearing plan Z. and we’re determined not to go on that path again.

thank you for caring.

Post from October 2022
Let me (Re) Introduce myself

Laisser un commentaire

Votre adresse e-mail ne sera pas publiée. Les champs obligatoires sont indiqués avec *